Clinical Depression in the Busy

There are many forms and levels of depression.  It sometimes affects women differently than men.  Everyone from children to the elderly are subject to it.  It can have an acute cause and be temporary, or it can be chronic, lasting years and sometimes a lifetime. For some, it seems to come when one is at the busiest times of one's life.

For those of us with mild depression, especially as a component of bipolar disorder, it can be challenging to know what to do to treat it.  There are those of us who experience the manic highs and the depressed lows regularly and then there are those who have extended periods of functional living with specific lifts and dips.  When one has a mild form of bipolar disorder, the functionality of one's mentation creates an illusion of normalcy.  It allows those with the diagnosis to temporarily believe they are cured, or at least strong enough to deal with it on its own. 

Sometimes it can be suddenly set off by a stressful event, a physical illness, hormonal changes, or just as a natural part of the cycle between the poles of the disorder.  This time, I think my depression has been enhanced by my recent acute respiratory illness and several extremely stressful events over the last year.  The feelings of sadness and isolation have no rhyme or reason, especially for one who has the most amazing group of loved ones as I do.  And, there's the rub.  The depression doesn't make sense.  Although there is no specific reason for it to manifest, it does nonetheless.  The irony is that it can sometimes appear when one is genuinely happy with the rest of one's life.  This is the way it is for me right now. 

From past experience, I know that these feelings will pass.  I will retreat into my quiet space to recover physically and emotionally.  I will do whatever I can to create success around me.  I will function at the highest level possible for me right now since there really is no time in business to feel unproductive.  I will reach out to those closest to me... eventually... to let them know what's happening.  For some reason, shedding light on my polarities seems to make the shadows disappear. 

I don't take medications because as an artist those highs and lows make a difference to my creativity; at least, that's the story within which I've been living for many years.  I've tried drug, talk, and group therapies.  I've tried exercise and meditation.  The thing that seems to work the best for me is telling myself the truth of what is happening, and then telling someone I trust.

Often, I wonder if my ego helps bring me out of my blue periods, as I call them.  Once I say I am depressed to someone, I suddenly realize I don't want to be perceived that way by anyone, so my social self-preservation chemistry kicks in and I improve.  Although as someone who has been an Education Committee chairperson, trained to know that there should be no stigma to mental illness, those tapes from childhood about "crazy people" may work to my advantage.  I would never refer to anyone else in those terms, but in the privacy of my own mind, that difficult language pushes me toward recovery.

The truth is, though, that I do get tired of feeling like this.  It is exhausting hiding the grey skies in my heart while putting on the sunniest face possible to those I love.  I never intend to deceive anyone.  I only do this to prevent them from the burden of my challenges.  Everyone I know has burdens of their own.  They certainly don't need to worry about me in addition.  I'm the one to whom most people turn for support and nurture.  The loving smile, perceived wisdom, and eloquent language people have reflected they see in me is something on which others count. I can't say the number of times I've heard, "Jim, you're a rock!"

The problem is that this rock has a few cracks.  Sometimes I need someone to take my hand and tell me it's going to be o.k.  It would be wonderful to have someone find the right words to comfort me so that I can be the one who needs.  Most often, though, people become disquieted to think I need emotional support.  It's as though some part of their foundation is weakened when I stumble.  I know it's not completely true, but in their eyes, I can see there is a grain of truth there.

So, here I sit, trying to remember that the glimmer of light behind this rock is a warming break of dawn and not chilling sunset.  I work very hard at imagining a more joyful day coming, trying to look forward to something I have not yet imagined.  My faith in the Divine Essence helps a great deal in focusing my self-healing energy.  Perhaps that choice more than anything else tends to bring me out of my doldrums, my imagination of what could be possible and my trust that if I dream it, it could come true. 

Perhaps it's simpler than that.  As the lyrics in Rodgers and Hammerstein's Sound of Music remind me, "I simply remember my favorite things, and then I don't feel so bad." 
____________________________

References:

Astressfreeyou.com (2010) [Depressed man]. Astressfreeyou.com. Photograph. Retrieved from http://astressfreeyou.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/depressed-man.jpg

Chris-Barbara (2009, June) [The rock at dawn]. Travelpod.com. Digital photograph. Australia. Retrieved from http://images.travelpod.com/users/chris-barbara/1.1245891100.the-rock-at-dawn.jpg

Tufts.edu (2007) [Beekers of chemicals]. Ase.tufts.edu. Photograph. Retrieved from http://ase.tufts.edu/premedsociety/Old%20Site/chemistry.jpg

Today is the Day for New Dreams

As I was thumbing through my AARP, The Magazine, the periodical dedicated to those of us who are more than 50, I stumbled across a sidebar article by Chris Gardner, the subject of the movie, The Pursuit of Happyness (2010, September/October, p72).  The article, entitled, "Starting from Scratch at 51," was Gardner's answer to a fellow who felt his identity was put in question because he changed careers after 50.  Gardner reminded the reader that Ray Krok started McDonald's restaurants when he was older than that.  He went on to quote Martin Luther King, Jr., who said, "You don't have to see the whole staircase.  Just take the first step."

This article synthesized thoughts I'd been having recently about conversations people in Sacramento and Woodland have addressed to me about singing.  These folks, some in their 50s and 60s, were contemplating taking singing lessons with me.  They were reluctant to begin because they feel that they should have started earlier in their lives.  I tried to explain to them that it's never too late to learn.  In fact, my tag line for my company, Sacramento Vocal Music, is "Sacramento Vocal Music... Where Everybody Sings!"

The question is, when is it too late to dream?  I suggested that the correct answer is, "Never!"  One of the qualities that carry us to this point in our lives is our ability to creatively keep ourselves engaged.  During our work history, we've had to problem-solve, find our work enjoyable, learn new things, and insist on diversity.  If we hadn't done so, our brains would be mush from the sheer boredom of our existence.  Even if we work in a job that is repetitive and not as fulfilling as we'd like, we have hobbies and activities that allow for our thought processes and emotional experiences to take flight.

"Fear and creativity cannot coexist!"  This is something I've taught every class that has ever been in front of me.  If we are afraid to try something new, putting our heart and soul into the experience, we will always wonderful, "What if..?"  We will always stand behind those who are in the forefront of the experience, watching, perhaps waiting our turn, and possibly never getting the chance to see if we can succeed.  The most difficult part of this scenario is that this way of life can become a pattern for us as we do our jobs, come home and watch television, seeing others do what we've only dreamed of doing. 

For those of us over 50, we must think to ourselves, "It's too early for my rocking chair and shawl."  The truth is, it must always be too early for those symbols of old age. 

My great-uncle Gene is 103 years old.  His skin is nearly as smooth as mine.  He still speaks with a surprising animation in his voice although his eyesight and hearing are deteriorating.  Uncle Gene was the oldest living member of the San Francisco Musician's Union to still be playing when he was in his 90s.  Although he didn't play much at that time, he kept his chops up with his trusty tenor saxophone.  He'd been playing the sax since the late-1910s, giving concerts to his chums sitting on old tires behind his house after school.  Music is his passion.  On top of everything else, this amazing man still golfs. 

When Uncle Gene talks about playing gigs at the Fairmont and other San Francisco landmarks with Count Basie, Jerry Lester, and Billie Holliday, in the presence of boxing great, Max Baer (see photo at left: (L-R) Gene Herrera, Max Baer, two unidentified men), and others, his eyes sparkle with the memories.  Even after the jazz and swing eras ended and gigs dried up for him, and he had to go to work in another field, he continued to play when he could.  He never regretted having the history he did. 

As I reflected on Uncle Gene's stories, I realized he has stories to tell because he chose to live with a capital "L" for his entire life.  I laughed when two things became clear: 1.  At 51, I am about half Uncle Gene's age; and 2. I have the genes to live as long as he has.  Perhaps it is those genes that inspired me to return to college to finish my degree in Communications at 50.

There are thousands of examples of people living their dreams, started both before and after 50.  These are life choices we face throughout our time on this planet.  Why do we wait for singing lessons, or golf lessons, or to pick up a paint brush or dance shoes, or even change careers to do what we feel passionate about?  Why do we deny ourselves the joy of these experiences?  What tapes are playing in our heads that prevent us from hurtling headlong toward a new horizon?  Whatever they are, they must be pushed out of the way so that when we are 103, which is increasingly more likely with the developments of modern medicine, we, too, can say, "I've had my version of joy!" 
____________________________

References:

Gardner, Chris. (2010). "Starting from scratch at 51." AARP, The Magazine. Nancy Perry Graham, Editor and President, American Association of Retired Persons, Washington, D.C. September/October. p. 74.

Glica-Hernandez, James (2008) [Uncle Gene and Me]. Private collection. Digital Photograph.

Herrera, Eugene (1947) [Eugene Herrera, Max Baer, and Others] Private collection. Photograph.
 
Sacramento Vocal Music. (2010). SacramentoVocalMusic.com. Retrieved from http://SacramentoVocalMusic.com/

Tim Thumb (2010) [Divergent Roads] Careerjockey.org. Graphic. Retrieved from: http://www.careerjockey.org/wp-content/themes/arthemia/scripts/timthumb.php

Dr. Laura's Broader Message

Dr. Laura Schlessinger has a large following of listeners for her radio program.  Her devoted fans believe she offers advice that is full of tough love and expressions of vivid opinion.  To others, she is also an excellent example of the entitlement and arrogance some Americans have, no matter what their personal histories may include.  I have a special interest in Dr. Laura because our paths crossed indirectly many years ago. 

Dr. Laura's on-air use of the n-word recently brought to light once again her blind disregard for someone else's feelings as she spoke with an African-American woman who was seeking guidance from this 1974 Columbia University PhD in physiology, not psychology or psychiatry.  Considering her doctoral thesis was about insulin, I might trust her more with my blood sugar levels than with my life crises.  Her history on the radio has been reflected on the political right as dynamic and outspoken.  From the left, she is often described as cruel, racist, and backward. 

Her current right-wing values are apparently set in stone to counteract the effects from, as she has described, an unloving, dysfunctional, mixed Jewish-Roman Catholic childhood in Brooklyn, New York.  It seems that she has idealized what she perceives as a perfect life, and anything that doesn't reflect that dreamworld is horrible and wrong, including mixed marriages ("If you can't handle it, you shouldn't have married outside your race.") to gays and lesbians (homosexuality is a "biological error."), to uncomfortable personal histories ("A hypocrit is someone who says, 'Do as I say, not as I do.'  A teacher is someone who says, "Do as I say, not as I did.'").

With her history of being a participant in an extramarital affair, nude photographs, vitriolic rants, and examples of personal human frailties and dichotomies, one would assume that she would be sensitive to others' challenging life experiences.  Rather, it seems she has taken her difficult personal history, criticized herself into a pulp about it, and decided to punish everyone else for their similar shortcomings in the process.  She does all this with a marriage and family counseling certificate from California that expires in February 2011.  She has avoided lawsuits by calling her radio show a, "moral health program," and not a psychological help program. 

That isn't to say Dr. Laura hasn't done wonderful things.  She has participated in charity work, been active in important public discussions, and offered support to those who think like she does.  Does her message, though, offset all those good works?

 In 2001, Dr. Laura received a call from a parent whose child was in my class.  She was upset over a choice I had made that removed lyrics from a piece of music that referred to God. 

We were doing a holiday concert in December, and one of the songs I had selected was, "Let There Be Peace," words and music by Sy Miller and Jill Jackson.  In the arrangement I used, there were words that read, "... with God as our father, brothers all are we."  There were also alternate lyrics offered that were not christian-based.  As a teacher in a public school, I chose to use the more secular version of the song.  The parent called Dr. Laura to express her upset and find out what she should do.  The discussion garnered calls from various people demanding that I return to the original lyrics. 

I was called into my administrator's office, explained my reasoning, and told him that I would not change it back.  He was completely supportive of my arguments of inclusion and non-sectarian lyrics.  We used the alternate lyrics in the concert.  For one brief and shining moment, I was a topic on Dr. Laura.  All I could think at the time, "Is this really all these people have to worry about?"  It was, after all, only three months after the attack on the Twin Towers in New York City on  9/11. 

There is a division between church and state.  All men [people] are created equal.  People have free will.  People have the freedom of choice in speech, religion, and politics in the United States of America.  I wonder if someone will tell Dr. Laura soon.  It seems she hasn't heard these pieces of news. 

When she was interviewed on Larry King Live on CNN.com, she expressed her apology for using the n-word 11 times to a Black woman on air.  She then went on to say people should have a sense of humor and not be so hypersensitive to others' comments.  She simply doesn't understand that she lives in a country full of "others."  Perhaps, now that she is leaving her radio show to pursue regaining her First Amendment rights, she'll have time to figure it out; but, I doubt it.

______________________________________
   
References:

(2010) "Laura Schlessinger." Wikipedia. Retrieved from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laura_Schlessinger

Miller, S.; Johnson, J. (2010) "Let There Be Peace." Choral work. Carl Fischer Publishing. SAB Version. Retrieved from  http://g.sheetmusicplus.com/Look-Inside/covers/4386196.jpg

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (2010) Getty Images.  Retrieved from http://en.terra.com/addon/img/c79d9a-dr-laura-schlessinger-wordp.jpg

To Watch Seven Pass

In my lifetime, I've seen people from seven generations of my family move on in their journey from this life to the next.  From my great-great-grandfather, Lorenzo Herrera, to my grandchild who was lost in a miscarriage, I've had to carry their memories forward as fewer and fewer people were still here to remember them with me.  It is sometimes a heavy burden.  Most often, though, it is one I carry proudly and with a sense of honor. 

Those who remain with me on the planet are my rocks.  They anchor me to my present in important ways; however, once in a while, on days like today, my vision moves toward those who are now gone from sight, but never forgotten. 

So, to you on the other side of the veil, I send my love and loneliness.  To you on this side, I offer my gratitude and joy.  As for me, I will continue to straddle the two, hearing the songs on both sides of the window; some only an echoing resonance from years gone by, and others, full of laughter and tomorrows.
_________________________

Photo:

Freeman, O.C. (2009) "Let the veil." The Freeman View.  Photograph.  Retrieved from http://thefreemanview.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/let_the-veil02.jpg

Hilobrow (2010) "Graveyard." Hilobrow.com  Photograph.  Retrieved from http://hilobrow.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/graveyard_scrn01.jpg

Small Things

I work very hard, as most people do, to do the right thing.  I aspire to do more for others, but often do not reach the expectations I hold for myself.  I focus on being grateful for everything I have and believe that if I have two beans, one is for someone else, unless they are very hungry, then she can have the other one, too.  Today, though, I am even more deeply humbled by the multiple messages I have received from asynchronous places today. 

In Bel Air, where I do my shopping, I picked up a couple of hair products, some batteries, and CDs on which to copy important files from my computer.  The grapes looked good, so I selected a bag of those, along with some pork chops and printer paper.  As I walked to the check-out stand, I happened across a special commemorative edition of Time magazine dedicated to Mother Teresa, the late head of the Missionaries of Charity in Calcutta, India.  In the introduction, Rick Warren (2010), from whom I've heard several disagreeable things, quoted Mother Teresa.  These were the words of the woman whose 100th birthday was celebrated on the cover of this magazine:

          "God doesn't ask us to do great things. He asks us to do small things with great love."

                                                                   ~ Mother Teresa

When I read these words, I began to cry.  I don't know why, quite honestly, but I did.  This concept of doing small works with intimate and abiding love overwhelmed my heart in a way that few things have done before.  The  concept, although heard in many ways before, changed the cells in my body.  My mind, heart, and spirit were affected.  This woman, born from parents in the same way we all were, who had changed the lives of countless people on the planet, suggested that it is through the seemingly momentary acts of kindness that we succeed in loving another person. 

It was merely minutes later, that I was online, preparing to write, that I stopped by Facebook and found an article by a woman named Geri (2010) that proclaimed that 40 billionaires, encouraged by Bill Gates and Warren Buffet, had agreed to give away a minimum of half their fortunes to charity.   This amount would be somewhere in the neighborhood of $115 billion... that's "billion" with a "b."  Cynics commented on the article about the groups to which this money was going, and the motivation behind the gifts.  The truth is, I didn't care why they were doing it.  As someone who has run a nonprofit organization, I know that $1,000 is $1,000, and it helps.   The thought that over $100 billion dollars is going to be distributed to benefit the poor, students, the arts, the environment, international relations, and any other missions of love available is tremendous!

Yet, Mother Teresa's words still resonated as I continued down my Facebook page until I read a posting from the Dalai Lama.  It read as follows:

"It is self-evident that a generous heart and wholesome actions lead to greater peace and that their negative counterparts bring undesirable consequences. Happiness arises from virtuous causes. If we truly desire to be happy, there is no other way to proceed but by way of virtue: it is the method by which happiness is achieved. And, we might add, that the basis of virtue, its ground, is ethical discipline." ~ Dalai Lama

These are simple lessons, really.  Live ethically.  Do for others.  Act in small and loving ways.  Yet, I was moved to tears because I feel as though I've fallen short in so many ways.  As I resolve to do better by remaining conscious of my interactions with others, making that extra step to serve, and by loving unconditionally, remembering that each person is my brother or sister, I hope I can take one small step farther in my journey, and that my path will include, in some small way, the love, generosity, and humility of so many remarkable people.

I have chosen to include quotes that hopefully will resonate in similar ways for others.  I offer these quotes out of love for you, and for my wish that you experience true joy, rich abundance, loving companionship, and ebullient health today and always.  Blessings to you always.

Lovingly,

James

To live a pure unselfish life, one must count nothing as one's own in the midst of abundance. ~ Buddha

Happiness is spiritual, born of truth and love. It is unselfish; therefore it cannot exist alone, but requires all mankind to share it. ~ Mary Baker Eddy

Generosity is giving more than you can, and pride is taking less than you need. ~ Kahlil Gibran

Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love. ~ Lao Tzu

Freedom consists not in doing what we like, but in having the right to do what we ought. ~ Pope John Paul II

No one has ever become poor by giving. ~ Anne Frank

My life is my message. ~ Mohandas Gandhi  


References:

Brainyquotes.com (2010) Retrieved from http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/brotherhood_3.html

Dalai Lama (2010) "Virtue."  Facebook. Retrieved from http://www.facebook.com/DalaiLama

Dailymail.co.uk (2007, Aug) "Mother Teresa and Child" Daily Mail. Retrieved from http://img.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2007/08_03/teresaDM2408_468x377.jpg

Geri (2010) "40 Billions Pledge to Give Away Half Their Wealth" goodnewsnetwork.org. Retrieved from http://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/most-popular/general/40-billionaires-join-giving-pledge.html
 
SMH.com.au (2005) "Bill Gates and Warren Buffet" Retrieved from http://www.smh.com.au/ffximage/2005/11/07/warrenbuffett_wideweb__470x332,0.jpg
 
Warren, Rick (2010) "Mother Teresa at 100." Time. Special Commemorative Edition. Fraiman, R. Publisher, Time Home Entertainment, Inc., New York, NY p. 7.

Children's Pain

In a perfect world, children would not have to experience deep pain.  In a perfect world, children would have people surround them in love.  In a perfect world, children would recognize the value in themselves.

This is not a perfect world.

I just finished watching MTV's "If You Really Knew Me," a television program about a school-based program called Challenge Day.  Challenge Day is a one-day program when students are selected to participate in an event that provides them an opportunity to learn that they are not alone in their pain and concerns.  They learn to join together in unity to find healing through loving, healthy, and open relationships with their peers and families.  With this knowledge, and advancing wisdom, they learn how to go out into their communities and share that love with others in overt and committed ways.  It moved me.  It changed me.

On the Challenge Day webpage they have the following information:

Our Vision

Our vision is that every child lives in a world where they feel safe, loved and celebrated.

          Our Mission

The Challenge Day mission is to provide youth and their communities with experiential programs that demonstrate the possibility of love and connection through the celebration of diversity, truth, and full expression.

As someone who has experienced in his own family drug abuse, murder, suicide, alcoholism, sentencing to prison, teenage pregnancy, miscarriages, illness and disability, poverty, and issues surrounding race, sexuality, and culture, I know that most people are aware that these crises exist in our country, communities, and families.  Talking about these issues is like bringing sunlight to them, making the shadows of fear and loneliness disappear.

To all the young people, I ask that you watch this program.  When you are ready, hopefully sooner than later, take the brave step to talk to someone you trust about your issues.  Be honest about your sadness and concerns.  Know that you will be believed.  Most of all, know that you are not alone. 

To all the adults, I know we, as parents, teachers, clergy, medical professionals, and friends, do the best we can to address these issues; however, let there be no mistake that these challenges do exist in ways we can never imagine.  For many of us, in our attempt to take the best possible care of our children, we become busy, and things sometimes slip by.  In our attempt to appear strong for our children, we do not let them into the intimacy of our lives.  Sometimes, in our attempt to avoid facing these dilemmas, we live in denial of important issues.  After all, we are people, too.  We have fears, histories, and frailties just like anyone else.  Know that you, too, are not alone to deal with these issues.  In the same way our children can go to those they trust, we, too, must be able to find someone to whom we can be honest about those things that we are facing as well.

As a society, we are so busy trying to appear a certain way in public.  We hide so much of our lives so that others will not think less of us.  What we tend to forget is that we are all in this together.  We are brothers and sisters who must stand together in the face of all adversity.  Most importantly, we must assure our children that they have a whole, diverse community prepared to step up and buoy their hearts and spirits when they feel as though they are drowning from the stresses and fears they experience.

Thank you for everything you do for your/our children.  You are making a difference.  Friendship, family relations, and professional support are all vital to our families, including those of us who are the heads of our families. 

I hope you get as much out of this program as I did. 

______________________________

References:

Challenge Day. (2010). Challenge Day. Retrieved from http://www.challengeday.org/

Rulings on Two DOMA Cases

Judge Joseph Tauro, a federal judge in the Commonwealth of Massachussets, recently ruled on two cases regarding Section 3 of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA). In both instances, it was determined that this section of DOMA was unconstitutional by virtue of violations of not one, but two amendments to the Constitution.  In ruling that DOMA was contrary to the due process clause of the Fifth Amendment, equal protection under the law, and the Tenth Amendment, the right of states to make their own laws about marriage, and to have those laws recognized by the federal government, Judge Tauro opened another door toward recognizing inclusive marriage rights for both hetero- and homoamorous couples in the United States.  An excellent article on the details of these cases was written by Lisa Keen in Bay Windows, a large, New England periodical that caters to the LGBT community, entitled, "Doma decision released."

Although the response to the Fifth Amendment was vitally important because it recognizes the inequality among citizens of the U.S., the ruling on the Tenth Amendment held the greatest movement forward.  By stating that state laws that were not otherwise contraindicated by federal law must be recognized by the federal government, homoamorous couples could be recognized by the federal government as married.  Recognizing all marriages as valid at the federal level will provide greater weight to the discussion supporting inclusive marriage.

The U.S. Court of Appeals and the U.S. Supreme Court are still ahead in the battle for marriage equality.  There is nothing wrong with due process.  One of the best ways to communicate change is to define one's terms.  Marriage is... Marriage is not...  These blanks must be filled in at the legislative, judiciary, and social levels to be effective. 

As California awaits the ruling on Proposition 8 in San Francisco, this timely message comes as yet another ray of hope for those who so deeply desire to marry the person they love.  It seems that slowly, the term "gay marriage" is being replaced by "marriage equality" and "inclusive marriage."  This is an important delineation because at the legal level, there should only be one "marriage." 

The cases before the courts right now relate only to civil marriages.  In 2010, every marriage in this country that is found in a state's Bureau of Vital Statistics is a civil marriage.  Although it may be performed by a minister and sanctified by a church, the marriage license itself is for a civil marriage, not a religious one.  Our nation is beginning to understand this concept.  Lawmakers, judges, and voters can no more legislate faith than religious leaders can determine law.  Communist countries legislate religious practice.  Theocracies allow religious tenets to directly affect law.  Although there is a morality to our laws, the United States is a republic that practices democracy.  U.S. citizens have the best seat in the house to see that difference at a national level right now, and it looks good.