The Other Privacy Matters of Facebook

"My father has cancer."  "John Doe's relationship status has changed."  "I got soooo drunk last night." 

In Dunsmuir, where I was reared, there were certain matters people talked about and subjects we simply didn't.  If someone was inebriated, one did not share that with the entire town.  It was sometimes weeks before our family learned that a couple was having serious difficulties.  It was months before we learned of someone's illness. Oh, there was gossip, of course, not unlike Norman Rockwell's print (right); but, most people kept family matters private until they had to address it in a more public forum.  Facebook™, and its cousins, Twitter™, MySpace™, and other social networking sites, have changed all that.

What is the right balance of information to share on a public forum?  There are several arguments that make sense.

Sharing everything that goes on in one's life provides that individual with a community of people who care for, and support, that person during their most difficult passages.  The death of a loved one, accidents, and disappointments are all burdens that may feel a little lighter because of the outpouring of love received from others.  There is less awkwardness after a public announcement like that.  We know what happened, and the person who posted knows we know what happened, so we can discuss it openly.  The same effect is seen during our triumphs.  Notes of congratulations and celebration are posted with emoticons and photos of happy puppies.  On Facebook™, there are very few secrets anymore.  Nearly everything seems available for public consumption. 

On the other hand, are there subjects that should remain inside the home?  News often affects others, as well as the one posting the information.  Has the posting agent consulted with those who might be impacted before announcing whatever news is being presented?  Not likely.  The delicacy of social interactions is going the way of proper grammar and spelling... down the proverbial tubes.

My mother used to say, "Never write down anything you don't want printed on the front page of the New York Times, and never say anything you don't want shouted from the highest mountain top."  There's some wisdom there.  Recently, on television, I heard a commentator report that people were getting arrested, and others were losing out on jobs because of their postings on Facebook™ as well as other social media sites.  The art of discretion is being lost.

It may be surprising to know that a writer is suggesting there are things that should not be shared.  Someone who writes is encouraged to open their lives, thoughts, and feelings for public consumption in the most intimate ways.  There is, however, something to be said for maintaining a certain amount of mystery in public life.  So few surprises exist anymore between people familiar with one another.  With IPhone™ and Droid™ apps that allow Facebook™ to travel with them wherever they go, some people are recording every moment of their lives in posts.  We see examples of this with celebrities all the time; but, they are not alone.

Readers know things about their Facebook™ friends that they may not feel they need to know.  I'm certain people may sometimes feel ambivilent about what I post as well.  Of course, most of what they know about me comes from my blog site and not Facebook™ postings.  The majority of my Facebook™ comments are birthday greetings, thinking-of-you notes, and links to new articles on my blog.  Certainly, everyone has a different perception about Facebook™.  Mine just happens to be that Facebook™ is like seeing an acquaintance on the street.  I'm not going to tell them my most intimate stories as we're passing one another, any more than I would expect them to do the same.  Those stories are saved for times alone with those closest to me.

With all this being said, I do love my friends.  I want to share in their sorrows and their joys.  I am interested in how they are doing.  I am also thrilled to reconnect with those people with whom I've lost contact many years ago.  Facebook™ simply seems to leave me cool when it comes to intimacy.  Perhaps because I am a musician who depends on my aural skills so often, hearing someone's voice means so much more to me.  I miss sitting on the phone for an hour with a friend who lives far away, and catching up on all their news. Even private messages and e-mails provide a better avenue for more intimate discussions than public postings on a website, as far as I'm concerned.

The truth is, I miss the embrace of friends upon our greeting and departure.  The world is so small that it now fits into 13" screen; yet, it is still so large that many of those I love are too far away for me to hug.  Even with those who live closer, we find ourselves with opposing schedules and cannot visit as often as we'd like.

As it stands, I suppose I will have to be satisfied with brief posts to Facebook™ to learn about my friends.  I should be grateful for that. Until the day of inexpensive travel or teletransportation arrives, I will just have to live without the physical presence of so many of my beloved friends. 

James Chávez Glica-Hernandez misses his friends and wishes they were closer. 
__________________________

Photos:

Rockwell, Norman (2010) ["Gossip"] Print by Norman Rockwell.  Retrieved from  http://mashedmusings.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/gossip-print.jpg

(2010) [Person passing IPhone advertisement]. BBC.co.uk.  Retrieved from http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/technology/080415_afp_iphone3.jpg

Burns, Taurus (2010) ["Group hug"] paintDetroit.com. Retrieve from  http://www.paintdetroit.com/Home/Ghetto%20of%20Eden/images/Group%20Hug.jpg

Dad

This is my tenth Father's Day without my Dad, Floyd Glica (see left).  It's unfathomable to think I haven't been able to call him on this day for a decade.  I miss him so much, but I think I've learned that when I simply think of him, and perhaps pray for him, I can have him near me in spirit. 

My birth father, Robert Arroyo, thankfully, is still living.  I value the fact that I can still hear his voice when I call, if only on an answering machine sometimes.  As I get older and learn more about him, I am finding that this genuinely good man has passed on some good genes to me for which I am eternally grateful. 

There are things I've learned in life and things that came to me naturally.  It is in this statement that I find both my fathers.  They are equally important to me and, interestingly enough, make it easier to see where each of these qualities originate. 

From my Glica dad, I grew to learn professionalism, an ability to be a loving grandfather, to speak my mind, and to love the arts of all kinds.  I've learned that patience is incredibly important, especially for one who has had to learn that lesson the hard way. 

From my Arroyo dad (see right), I gained the ability to be a vivid storyteller, think logically, have an innate love of family, and stay strong, no matter what I face.  I've recognized that my first dad gave me many gifts that I wouldn't have realized came from him had I not been blessed with time to spend with him. 

They are both Dads in different ways, certainly, but Dads nonetheless. 

In my own fatherhood, I have seen both of my fathers appear.  Dad (Floyd) had very high expectations of what my brother, David, and I should accomplish in life.  He created an environment in which learning was something to cherish.  Living in a manner that included new adventures, open eyes, and awe was something he modeled in a million ways throughout our 40 years together before his death in 1999.  I made sure my children were reared with the same love of creation.

Dad (Bob) knew that to respect his sons' freedom of choice and intelligence would give them wings to fly later in life.  When I hear him talk to my brothers, Eric, Mark, and Darren, who grew up with him, I can see that they trust themselves partly because they had that freedom assured by my father and their mother.  He also lovingly accepted them, and me for that matter, for who we are and as we are, even when his sons made choices that made things more difficult for themselves.  From all appearances, my children are flying on their own wings from the generations of genetic trust in our progeny I received from my father of birth.

So, thank you, Fathers, for my life and my Life.  You have both contributed so much to make me who I am.  From both of you, in your own ways, I have gained the confidence to claim my life, be responsible for that life, and celebrate every moment of it.  Without you, I wouldn't be the man I am today.  Some days, I'm sure you may question whether I am giving you credit or blame, but I'd like to think it is more credit.  God knows I honor you both in my heart and in my spirit for the gifts you've brought to my life.

Zadowolony Ojciec Dzień, Dad.  Feliz Día de los Padres, Dad.  I love you both very much.

Your son,

James

Twelve Years

The Chinese Astrology system makes its journey through the Universe every 12 years.  This year, we are in the Yang Metal year of the Tiger.  Twelve years ago we were experiencing the Yang Earth year of the Tiger.  Twelve years ago, my husband, David and I first met on June 7, 1998.  Our first photo together was taken in the summer of 1999 (see above).

Upon reading Suzanne White's, "The New Chinese Astrology," about earth and metal tigers, and extrapolating them to become significant for our relationship, it looks like the next twelve years will be more productive and balanced than the previous twelve years.  That's good news because David and I have walked a long, arduous path to get here.

When we got married on August 1, 2005 and then had our wedding on August 5, 2006 (photo right), we figured the lion's (or tiger's) share of our challenges were behind us.  Who knew that relationships take work and communication and teamwork?

Although I was married to my ex-wife for eight years, we started our married life together when we were 17.  We had no idea what made a healthy marriage.  After our divorce in 1985, I assumed for a long time I was just not built for wedded bliss.  When I met David, I knew from the day we met that we would be married.  One must remember that marriage for homoamorous people was not even an option at the time.  I just intuitively knew.

We were together for three years before things got so challenging that I had to walk away.  I didn't contact him once in over two years after our separation.  Not a word.  He contact me a few times by e-mail, but I simply sent curt little notes back in return. I realize now that I didn't want to write because even after all that time, I still was not over this man. I loved him and there was nothing I could do about that fact. 

I had remained alone for much of that time until Spring 2004.  I encountered a very wonderful man who had many of the qualities I wanted in a person.  It wasn't long, though, before I realized there was no way this was going to work.  He wasn't David.  I wanted out of this short-term encounter.  I put on my big-boy britches and did just that. 

When I finally realized that I wanted to hear David's voice, it had been so long that I couldn't bring myself to pick up the telephone.  My blood pressure was up, I was unhappy, I wasn't taking care of myself, and I was lying to myself.  Not a good combination of things. For weeks, I struggled with whether I should call him.  I felt just like one of the 13 year old girls I taught in the middle school.

The problem was that I was a middle-aged man and the stress of feeling one way and not doing anything about it finally came to a head when I had a stroke. 

When I came home from the hospital, it was clear I had to call him.  I was shocked when I dialed his number because it had changed.  I knew I could get ahold of him online, so that's what I did.  I wrote to him.  He didn't write back for over a month.  I assumed that he was done dealing with me, so I finally chalked up our experience to good loving, bad timing, and two stubborn men.

I tried to put it out of my mind, but a month later, I saw him name in my e-mail inbox.  He apologized for the delay saying that his computer had been down.  So began our online conversations for a month.

I was music directing, "Swingin' on a Star" in Woodland, CA in September 2004.  As I was driving home, I called David and asked him if he wanted to get something to eat.  It was the first time we would see one another since January 8, 2002.  He agreed.  We decided to to go to Denny's for something light and greasy.  David doesn't care for Denny's, but that's where I was going to go. 

We talked for hours in one of the best conversations we'd ever had.  He caught me up on the events of his family and about the woman who had hit him while he was riding his bicycle.  He told me about a terrible relationship he had with a terrible man.  I told him about my family and my work.  At the end of the evening, I drove him home and we said good night.

Within a few weeks, we were dating.  Finally, on October 31, 2004, I invited him to my home.  Things just blossomed from there.  It hasn't been without its roller coaster qualities, but which marriage isn't?  I know that if either of us felt our marriage was like driving across Nebraska, flat and full of sameness, we would veer off the highway onto the nearest, bumpiest dirt road.  We're just built like that, I suppose.

We've had so many milestones in our relationship that we had to consolidate our various anniversaries down to one, our marriage date, August 1, 2005.  We are both so sentimental, though, we keep celebrating the others nonetheless.

June 7, 1998 - We met

January 8, 2002 - We separated

October 31, 2004 - We officially started dating the second time

August 1, 2005 - We registered as domestic partners

August 5, 2006 - Our wedding date.

June 7, 2010 - Our twelfth anniversary. (See above)

We now begin our yang metal Tiger Gemini (because of our first meeting date) twelve year cycle.  The truth is that we're two good men, different in many ways, but both with our eyes on one another, so I'm sure this part of the journey will be full of loud laughter, good food, bad tempers, and, most certainly, enduring love. Wish us bon voyage!

 

Love in the City

I know. I know. What is a grown man doing watching New Line Cinema's 2008 production of Sex in the City, the movie based on the HBO television program, based on the book by American author and New York Observer columnist Candace Bushnell? I don't even live in New York City, which might explain part of this.

As I was watching this film, I realized that the subject matter in this picture was universal in ways I didn't expect. The topics of trusting one's intuition, forgiveness, friendship, and self-awareness all appeared in this film and were characters, at least to me, as much as Carrie, Miranda, Samantha, and Charlotte.

It got me thinking that there have been moments in every one of my relationships that were reflected in this pop culture moment. From the infidelity to the separations, from the unwelcomed notes to the reunions, the moments in the movie resonated with me. The scariest part of the movie for me was Samantha's realization that she was not living the life that she knew she had to live.

As someone who has resigned his job without anywhere else to work, left his wife to rear his children primarily on his own, and wandered 3,000 miles away from home at 16 years old because he knew it was for the best, I know how to make the tough choices and accept the consequences. Why, then, was I bothered so deeply when Samantha left Smith in Los Angeles, even though she felt so grateful to him for the time he stood by her during the chemotherapy for cancer? Why did I feel nearly guilty as Smith's pain showed so deeply in his eyes; or was that my imagination?

There is a syndrome that was first described by Walter Cannon in 1929 as the "flight-or-fight-or-freeze response," that illustrates the physiological reaction to stress and relaxation in the body (Jacobs, 2009). Simply put, when the body and mind are put in extreme stress, the desires that may fulmigate are to run, battle, or stop altogether. When the situation is dangerous, such as when someone's physical health is in jeopardy, we understand this response completely, but what happens when our emotional health is in danger? If we have this response in a challenged emotional environment, would others understand?

What if one day, an individual awakens from a terrible night's sleep and realizes that the life he or she is living is gravely deficient in areas that are important to this person. Perhaps there is no romance or adequate communication. Maybe the other person in relationship with this individual has few interests that coincide with the first person's hobbies. It could be that both the individuals, good people in their own rights, simply have little in common that would suggest they can have a happy life together.

If these things... any of these things... are true, what does one do? In the movie, Samantha left Smith. Is that the only option? No. Miranda and Steve had issues that they worked through in therapy. Carrie and Big simply had to take time to come to grips with what they both needed. Even Charlotte and Harry only had to relax to get what they wanted together, the surprise of their own birth child.

Some days, it's just a matter of sitting quietly, writing, breathing, and hoping that things will get better. Some months are like that, too.

Ultimately, it comes down to a matter of choice. How do we choose to live our lives? How much time will we spend at a lower level of happiness that we believe we deserve? What is the real balance between the days we're happy and the days we're not?

My mother always told me, "If you're happy most of the time, even 51% of the time, then stay. If you're happy 49% of the time, you should think of something else to do because no one deserves to be unhappy most of the time."

My mother was right. Everyone deserves to be peaceful and happy. Everyone deserves to sleep well.
_________________

Reference:


Jacobs, G. (2001). The physiology of mind-body interactions: the stress response and the relaxation response... papers from the Symposium on Scientific Integration of Western Medicine and Complementary, Alternative-Mind, Body Medicine, Seoul, Korea [corrected] [published erratum appears in J ALTERN COMPLEMENT MED 2002 Apr; 8(2): 219]. Journal of Alternative & Complementary Medicine, 7S83-92. Retrieved from CINAHL Plus with Full Text database.