Got Ignorance? Apparently, I do!

As much as I'd sometimes like to sit comfortably in my ivory tower, glowering down on mere mortals in vulturous disdain, as I liberally evaluate others' ignorance and mental putridity, I can't.  It turns out that I am the one who so wholly lacks self-awareness that when I read the transcript of the Proposition 8 closing remarks to the court trial, I realized just how foolish I've been for the last half-century.

As a child of the 1960s (not the very cool metropolitan hippie, but a traditional boy from the mountains), I was reared with the unspoken, or perhaps, at times, spoken, discrimination toward gay folk.  As a gay child in that era, I knew they meant me.  My coping mechanisms were fairly sophisticated for someone so young.  I learned to adapt to the disrespect, ignore it, and live my life within the boundaries provided.  The truth is, I've never given a damn what people think of my homoamorosity.  Sure, when I was in fifth grade and my classmates called me queer, homo or sissy, it stung.  My tools were to develop a great sense of humor and a caustic tongue with which to come back at my aggressors.  As I said, I adapted.

That early training took me a long way in my life.  I reared my five children as an openly gay man.  I've worked in the office of the State Health Director as an openly gay man.  I've taught school as an openly gay man.  I had my religious wedding ceremony to my husband in 2006 as an openly gay man.  With all of these success, in the recesses of my heart, I had tacitly accepted at some level the fact that I was not afforded the same rights as my heteroamorous friends to marry the man that I love. 

Don't get me wrong, I've written blogs about acquiring the right to marry.  I written letters to the President of the United States and Governor Schwarzenothing about this very topic.  Yet, today, as I was reading this amazing 164-page document, that can be found at the EqualRightsFoundation.org website, I suddenly woke up from a nearly-51 year slumber.  My eyes shuttered open to my own words:

"You are asking for permission to do something that most everyone else takes for granted, from people who never had the right to keep it from you in the first place!" 

The truth is I was appalled at my lack of insight into my own true feelings about this.  I am hurt, and angry, and utterly disturbed by this new light in which I am both basking and baking.

As I read the words on the screen from the defendant-intervenors' (Pro-Prop 8) attorney, Mr. Cooper, I felt as though I had traveled through time to the courtroom of Loving v. The State of Virginia when interracial marriage was being debated, or to the bar where Brown v. The Board of Education was decided.  As we look back on those times, most of us realize how hateful those cruel laws had been.  In the eras that they originated, however, they made perfect sense to the authors, as Mr. Cooper's words made to him.  He began by quoting E. J. Graff, a same-sex advocate, from Brandeis University:

 "'If same-sex marriage becomes legal, that venerable institution will ever after stand for sexual choice, for cutting the link between sex and diapers.'

"That really goes to the heart of the concern of many people, that redefining it will -- will effectively divorce the institution of marriage from its historic core procreative purposes.

"The second point, Your Honor, in addition that redefining it would inevitably change it, is that it is not possible to predict with certainty and confidence what that change will beget. It seems simply undeniable that a change that is as profound as this one, I would submit undeniably would be, would have some consequences. (www.equalrightsfoundation.org, 2010, p. 137)"

For a moment, I thought these were the closing arguments of Chicken Little in Little v. The Sky.  "Marriage is falling! Marriage is falling!"  It makes no sense.  My marriage to my husband is strong enough to withstand almost anything that comes along.  If someday, God forbid, it ends, it will be because we have chosen for it to end or one of us dies.  It will never come to a close because anyone else got married.  Others' marriages didn't prevent us from getting married in the first place.  It is ludicrous to think that two men or two women getting married will change anything but the legal definition of a powerful word to be more inclusive. 

Marriage, in its purest form, is what two people agree it is.  Society has general guidelines, but an actual, day-to-day marriage is chosen by two individuals. 

When I married my now-former wife, we didn't marry specifically to have children, although we had several.  We actually had a daughter before our nuptials.  We chose to wait to make sure we were marrying each other for reasons that had to do with the two of us rather than those related to our child.  It was a good decision.  All together, we were married for 14 years.

It was for similar reasons that my husband, David, and I married.  No one dictates what our marriage is but David and me.  We do not dictate how others should manage their marriages, although my children may suggest that I've wanted to do otherwise from time to time.  The most important factor is that no one prevented us from marrying one another in ceremony.  Although it was not sanctioned by the State of California, our spirits were united in love and dedication in full support of our community.  Our marriage has amplified the best in both of us and in our connection with our village.  We have a domestic partnership and a twelve year history together, but I have to wonder how our lives would be different if we could actually marry in the same way my mother and father did?  I know that there would be a new sense of first class citizenship in our state.  I know that we would not have to explain what our relationship history has been.

"Well, we registered as domestic partnership in 2005 and had our ceremony in 2006, but we didn't get married when it was available because we wanted to wait until everyone could marry."

Mom and Dad just said, "This is my husband/wife."  That's it.  Everyone understood.  Everyone accepted it as it was.  No questions, no explanations.  How lovely would that be?

As I sit at my desk, likely closer to death than to birth, I look at the calendar and read, "2010."  We have meandered our way through millions of years of history on this clod of soil and water and we are only now wondering if every adult, without exception, should have the right to marry?  How is that even possible?

So, to my children and grandchildren, and to those who have looked to me for guidance over the years, I ask forgiveness for my lack of clarity on this particular issue.  If I had been a better example, you would have seen me sell my belongings to march in Washington.  I would have taken a leadership role in this fight.  I would have followed in my valiant father, Floyd Glica's footsteps in addressing this issue.  It's not too late.

To whom do I owe my happiness?  To whom do I ultimately answer for my actions?   The answer I taught my children was, "To your God and to your mirror... preferably in that order."   We answer to the community for actions only in that we are responsible for behaving in ways that are, at best, loving, and at least, not hurtful.  When we take our last breath, however, we are only responsible in those two most important places.  We must live and die with our choices. 

In the tradition of the Twelve Step Program, I must now make amends to my society by taking appropriate, remedial actions for my failures of the past.  I have learned from my path and now my path has changed. 

I am making a new choice. I am adding my voice and action to this important movement of change. First, as I've said in a previous essay, I will no longer refer to myself as homosexual.  I am homoamorous.  This is about who I love, not with whom I have sex.  My sex life is none of anyone else's business.  Second, my focus will be to ensure an inclusive definition of marriage. I am no longer fighting for my right to legally marry.  I am now on a course to remind those in power that I already have that right (see my photo below).  Lawmakers are now obligated to fix the laws to reflect our inalienable right to marry in the pursuit of our happiness. 

This is my voice.  This is my pride.  This is our time.

____________________

References

(2010). Transcript of Closing Arguments. Perry, et al., v. Schwarzenegger, et al. Retrieved from http://www.equalrightsfoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/06/Perry-Vol-13-6-16-10. pdf, p. 137

Candito, Nicolas (2006) [Glica-Hernandez Wedding]. Photograph used by permission of photographer.

To Our Young Performers

The young people with whom I work in the theatre and in the classroom know that I have very high expectations of them, especially when it comes to discipline.  I admit to getting frustrated at their insistance on talking after they've been warned.  I expect them to learn new skills in that arena; yet, I've realized I have something to learn, too.

When my own children were little, like many others, they went through a phase of asking, "Why?"  It became irritating after awhile, but a parent always answers, except when we're busy and then we answer, "Because I said so!"

Young people still want to know why, but their social obligations get in the way of them asking.  This is the part I've forgotten:

When young folks don't learn from one or two consequences that have arisen from their actions, it's because they don't know why it's important. You'd think I would have figured that out by now, but I haven't.  With this in mind, I offer this humble letter to the wonderful young'ns with whom I am working now, have worked in the past, and will work in the future:

Dear one,

I hope you are enjoying our time together building a show.  I know there have been moments of frustration or confusion, but it's all a part of the process.  The one thing I know is that our time together is important because we are building something amazing as a team.  We have an incredible show that I suspect is going to be phenomenal by opening night.  It's going to be phenomenal, though, for reasons different than you may imagine.

As a group, you are ridiculously talented.  Your voices, your acting, your intelligence, and your imagination all sparkle when you are focused and working.  When you are socializing during rehearsals, that sparkle diminishes a bit because you are not respecting those in process.  I'd like to share with you why that's important.

One of the best ways for a person to understand their value is to be valued by those they love and trust.  An individual will have a very difficult time learning to appreciate their gifts and talents if they are not heard.  As a vocal music teacher and music director, I understand this concept very well.  I am now asking you to learn this, too. 

As for you, what you need to know is that I hear you.  Every night as you sing, dance, and act, I experience the magic that you bring.  Don't be confused, my friend, it is magic.  From little dots and letters on a page, you manifest beauty and art, elegence and energy.  I recognize that it comes from inside you.  You've taken what the composers and lyricists have written and added your personal stamp on their work.  No one in the world can create this work in exactly the same way you can.  You are unique.  Not so suddenly, one night during a rehearsal, you've found your rhythm and the heartbeat of your character and this once page-bound individual comes alive.  You, alone, have brought all the pieces together to awaken this whole individual for others to see.  You see?  This truly is magic.

Those who are given gifts in this area must understand something very important.  These gifts come with a critical responsibility.  You must also be able to recognize your own value so that when you are working with others, you are able to help them understand their value as well.  You must listen and watch them so that you can reach out to them to validate their work that they are trying so hard to create.  The leadership you show in this area will impact others' lives in ways you will never imagine.  This is part of a great work ethic.

Some of you may be saying, "But, I'm just a kid.  Why would I have that responsibility?" 

Every time you walk into a theatre, you join a very long history of actors that have tread the planks of the stage.  You are doing the same type of work as those who stood in front of Aristophanes, Shakespeare, and August Wilson as they prepared their plays.  Your responsibilities are no less important.  A great performer is one who understands their place in history and takes it seriously. 

Fear and creativity cannot co-exist.  Those who've worked with me before all know this phrase.  In this light, we know that being afraid we are not good enough is going to keep us from achieving everything possible in our creative lives.  Let those fears guide you to the areas that you need to work on most. 

If you are afraid you are not loud enough, learn how to use your diaphragmatic support more effectively.

If you are afraid you don't understand the line, go to the director and invite a conversation about it. 

If you are afraid you can't remember your vocal line, set up an appointment with the music director to work through that section of music until you're sure of it.

If you are afraid you're not talented enough, talk with the person who cast you so that you can trust their reasoning behind their faith in you. 

Once you've overcome the hurdles of your fears, share that newfound understanding with those around you.  That's when the leadership begins.  That's when your colleagues have an opportunity to share your wisdom in this process. 

On a personal level, I recognize your value as individual human beings as well as performers.  I cherish the time we spend together because I, too, learn from you.  You have moved me and affected my perceptions.  When you are at your best, you are so powerful and beautiful to watch!

When I am tough on you, it is because I know you are ready to add feathers to your wings.  I know that you are trying to fly, but because of your fears or your youth, you may not feel ready.  You are ready, my young doves.  You have the skills to create art.  You will continue to grow as you develop new skills and techniques, adding to your already radiant talent. 

Here are the lessons I offer to you to build on your loving leadership skills:

• Listen intimately to others because you may hear their hearts as well as their lyrics. 
• Watch peacefully as others work because you can learn something. 
• Speak lovingly because someone may need you to be their touchstone in that moment. 
• Work diligently because your excellence may bring hope to one person in the audience. 
• Act respectfully to everyone with whom you are in process because your validation of their work may build enough confidence in them that they may take new risks and reach new heights because of your faith in them.  

When you commit to these acts of love and kindness, you become mentors to those who need you.  Humble leadership is yet another gift you will have to offer.

You make a difference.  Each and every one of you.  Let there be no misunderstanding in that.

I love and respect you all and trust that you will take from this letter what you need.  Thank you for your willingness to share your gifts with me and with everyone else around you.  I am grateful that you've taken the time to read this letter to you.  Your generosity has made our lives better.

Love,

James

How Many Prayers?

Miraculously, I found myself writing and editing over 5,000 words yesterday.  To some that may not seem like much, but to me, that was a huge amount of work.  I reflect on this because yesterday I had several prayers answered in rapid succession. 
These last few weeks of school have been challenging since the illness and subsequent death of my cousin, Joe.  He remains in my heart as a primary thought lately.  I miss him.  In my grief, my mind has slowed to a crawl and during this five week university course, I have found myself behind the eight ball more than once.  Add to that the fact that my computer decided to welcome a viral bug into our little home and all the challenges that ensued from that melding have been a bit overwhelming.

My final day of class was yesterday and I was horrifically behind because of my emotional and technological challenges.  The exciting part came when I realized as the final editor of the document that my two out of three team mates on the group paper that was due yesterday had primarily quoted research for every part of their sections of the document.  I had to rewrite nearly the entire paper to make it original work.

On top of that, I also had my own individual paper due.  I hadn't even begun my research.

I was beside myself with worry that I was not going to be able to complete everything I had to get done by the deadline.  Our team would have a reduction in our score and I would lose out on both my papers.

With a deadline of midnight last night looming, when 10:30 PM arrived and I was submitting both papers completed, I was elated.  My prayers to God were answered.  I had been infused with the energy and focus to get the work done.

The other prayer that had an answer was a very old one; one that's actually more than a decade old.  A truth was told that changed everything for the better.  I've been asking for this truth for a long time and now that it has arrived I feel 100% better.  It's now time to move on more joyfully.  Although it is a confidence that I must keep, suffice it to say I've grown in admiration and respect for the truth-sayer.

I like to joke that God takes care of small animals, little children, and me because none of us can take care of ourselves.  The truth is I'm surrounded by people who love me and support me through these tribulations.  My faith is my foundation, but my loved ones are the structures of my joy.

Sometimes we get answers.  Sometimes we wait.  Sometimes we just won't know that our prayers were answered because the answers were different than we expected.  We always learn from everything we experience, though.  That's the good news.

________________________

Reference

Glica-Hernandez, James S. Ch., (2008) "Her Prayer in Humble Gratitude." 18"x24" Acrylic on canvas.   

One Sentence Only

"If I had only one day of this life remaining and one wish left for that day, I would wish for God to allow my arms to grow long enough to lovingly and faithfully hug all of you together until my new journey began." 

- James S. Ch. Glica-Hernandez (2010) 

_____________________

Reference

Thehindu.com (2010) [Group hug] Retrieved from http://beta.thehindu.com/multimedia/dynamic/00016/AVN9_BRITAIN_16599f.jpg